River's Edge.

Dear Jessica,

I have to catch you up, dude. Things are pretty rough out here in the future right now. It's 2012. Cusack's trying to convince me to get in some trailer with him, but I don't trust that dude. But now I do know there was some sorta reason I was signing up for all those sci-fi movies back where you are. My brain was trying to communicate.

Anyway, yeah so you just witnessed Sandy's marital debacle. (JUST learned that word!!!!!) I was super bummed, cause I went to their wedding and I thought that dude was cool. But he was not. I told you I didn't like weddings, and NOW you know why. I'm never getting married.

But I guess you heard that I've been seen out "with" Charlize Theron. My old co-star, from probably my worst movie ever. I learned the word "reviled" after trying to read some of the reviews for Sweet November. Not cool. But Charlie is. She's like cool, but also wicked hot, right? And she just split from a dude after like a decade. I don't think they were married, but dude, ten years is a long time. That's basically BEING married. And yeah, I had to drop Parker Posey because dude we were seeing each other for a while. Sorry you liked her so much and I had to be like NO.

I do wish you all the best in your marriage.

Regards,

Keanu

PS I revile Jesse James. I hope your OWN Jesse gives me no reason to revile him.

PSS I just remembered Charlie and I were in Devil's Advocate together WOW. Dude.