Under the Influence.

Dear Jessica,

Hey girl. Hey woman. I've just discovered that your blog still exists two years in the future, and this is good because it has brought me some EVIDENCE.

I know this is about the time that you have probably been getting a lot of that SAD KEANU meme thrown at you. I don't know what exactly a "meme" is or means, but that's what it seems to be called. Dude. You know me. I am not a sad dude. I am mother effin' KEANU REEVES. MY NAME IS KEANU. C'MON. But also, I make awesome movies with awesome stuff in them and make awesome money and read awesome books and I am friends with Jon Hamm and the point is SOMETIMES I LIKE TO HANG OUT ON A BENCH.

Your blog posts of letters from me is EVIDENCE to that.

I just like benches. They are perfect for taking in a book, a drink, a sandwich, and yes, even sometimes to think about life. I abwhore tables. (Is that the right word? That's the word of the day on my toilet paper, I've been repeating it all day and I think that's how it's spelled: abwhore.) At that moment I was not sad, I was thoughtful. Thinking mainly about how good that sandwich I just ate was. All those layers, man. That's what sandwiches are made of. Layers. Like me.

But yeah, so just to let you and your readers know: I am Keanu Reeves, and I am not sad. WHY WOULD I BE.

Regards,

Keanu

PS Please stop telling me my beard is disgusting. Way harsh, bro. I think it looks cool.

River's Edge.

Dear Jessica,

I have to catch you up, dude. Things are pretty rough out here in the future right now. It's 2012. Cusack's trying to convince me to get in some trailer with him, but I don't trust that dude. But now I do know there was some sorta reason I was signing up for all those sci-fi movies back where you are. My brain was trying to communicate.

Anyway, yeah so you just witnessed Sandy's marital debacle. (JUST learned that word!!!!!) I was super bummed, cause I went to their wedding and I thought that dude was cool. But he was not. I told you I didn't like weddings, and NOW you know why. I'm never getting married.

But I guess you heard that I've been seen out "with" Charlize Theron. My old co-star, from probably my worst movie ever. I learned the word "reviled" after trying to read some of the reviews for Sweet November. Not cool. But Charlie is. She's like cool, but also wicked hot, right? And she just split from a dude after like a decade. I don't think they were married, but dude, ten years is a long time. That's basically BEING married. And yeah, I had to drop Parker Posey because dude we were seeing each other for a while. Sorry you liked her so much and I had to be like NO.

I do wish you all the best in your marriage.

Regards,

Keanu

PS I revile Jesse James. I hope your OWN Jesse gives me no reason to revile him.

PSS I just remembered Charlie and I were in Devil's Advocate together WOW. Dude.

The Brotherhood of Justice.

Dearest Jessica,

Man, it's been a while. I would be sorry I haven't written, but life is pretty crazy in 2011. You'll see. You've sent me a lot of letters and they were all too long. I mean, I don't want to read about commitment, "therefore" I stop reading (or stopping the person reading to me) when you mention wedding. I was curious about the word "nuptials" but when I found out it means "wedding" I was way confused, dude.

My reason today for writing you is because today is CANADA DAY. It's CANADA DAY here, two years in the future, and it's CANADA DAY there, in your present.

Hold on, had to "think" about that one for a second.

Okay. I think you told me you went to a lot of high schools. So did I. I got expelled from one because I was greasy and running around a lot. You may have gone to three high schools, but I went to four and they were in CANADA, so let's "celebrate" that. Except I never did graduate, so I you have me beat there. But then, I make lots more money than you do, so it all evens out in the end, I guess. HAPPY CANADA DAY.

Wait. This letter "just" got too long.

Regards,

Keanu

Young Again.

Dearest Jessica,

Boy, that was a long one you sent. Okay okay, I know I'm behind like four letters, but I'm writing back, NOW, dude. And by now, I obviously mean two years in your future.

1. I already knew your cat was named Keanu. I'm in the future. But thanks for reminding me; that dude is literally a cool cat. LITERALLY.

2. I get it, you like Jon Hamm. You mention him in all your letters to me, and I have therefore decided NOT to introduce you two in present day. I'm watching out for Jesse, dude. He's a good bro.

3. I don't even remember doing that Details interview two years ago, but I guess thanks for quoting it fifty million times in your last letter -------

But [Keanu] is wondering whether at some point we should drive to Santa Monica,because a friend of his has passed along word of a sub, a magnificent sub, that is made at a place called Bay Cities Italian Deli & Bakery. "I was told that
it's got the shredded lettuce," he rhapsodizes. "It's like, you know, a good sandwich."
-

I mention another work about suburban crisis,Richard Yates' Revolutionary Road, and he rears back and slides the helmet onto his head so that he can free up his left hand. "Oh, YES!!!" he shouts. "Let's high-five on Revolutionary Road!"
-

"But I found that it was a thread—like time—that you could walk away and come back to."
-

"Dude, I'm not seeing any," I tell him, and then I apologize in case my use of that timeless West Coast honorific looks like a way to curry favor—a transparent ploy to dude-bond with Johnny Utah. I tell him I can't help it sometimes, I went to high school in Southern California, and . . .

"No, dude is an excellent word," Keanu says. "I won't take it personally. I had a great run with dude."
-

"Listen to that voice," Keanu says. "He went for it. Showmanship. Showmanship! The shamanism. The shamanisticus. The frontman. The frontman. The front of the band. Rockin'. I think we have to get off this street."
-

"'When to the sessions of sweet silent thought," he intones—very quickly, and in a cadence that calls to mind a surfer having a panic attack, "'I summon up remembrance of things past / I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought / And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste.'" Here in the rental car Keanu is reciting, from memory, Shakespeare's Sonnet 30. He also reels off 116 and 119 while we wait at a stoplight.
-

"Oh, yeah, baby!!" he says. "When I read this, my head exploded."
----------

I decided to retype them all here. I don't know why I did that. But, whatever, it is done. Glad you liked it. And read those books I recommended. That's right, I read A LOT. Secretsssssssssssssssssss. AND I KNOW SHAKESPEARE, YUP. Dude, why are you all surprised by this in your letter? I did not have a "script" for the interview made up with "splashes of improvisation." What does improvisation even mean?? Don't be so indignant. IN-DIG-NOT. We all know I'm pretty freeeaaakin' cool.



Regards,

Keanu


PS Yeah, that thing I said about time being a thread was maybe a shout-out to you. Or maybe not!

Act of Vengeance.

Dear Jessica,

I was adequitely confused by your birthday party flyer. Thanks for sending it to me, but, remember, I'm in the future. I can't go back in time. I thought you were smarter, man. And now I'm bummed cause I'm missing a party. I NEVER MISS A KILLER PARTY.

And yeah, Jon Hamm and I bro'd down on the set of Stood Still Earth..or When Stills Earth... Earth Daze... - whatever movie I did with him. Dude, it's been two years, I can't remember them all. He's awesome. Like, real, you know? And he wasn't lying when he said I have the WHOLE package - it's big, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean?

Anyway, so, is he coming to your party? Since you were all talking about hanging out with him in October, I figured he could at least make an appearance. I mean, I would, if I could...but I can't, so I won't...that's a song, right?

So, I'm not going to say Happy Birthday because it's not your birthday, but - admitted - having your birthday rager in the middle of the week is a pretty stellar party risk. Only the solid people will make that, and that's all you need, dude!



Regards,

Keanu


PS Do you know what I mean?

Youngblood.

Dear Jessica,

I know it's been a couple of months. Sorry. Remember, man? I'm dos years in the future!! My life is insane right now. I would tell you more, but then I'd have to send a message to 2008 me, freak him out, but tell him to seek you out and destroy you. Wait I...am... confused now. That happens when I write too fastly.

Whatever, again sorry I can't come to the wedding. I know you are jealous because I went to Robert Downey Jr's wedding - yeah, in Long Island - but RDJ and I go way back, girl. That dude and I got down in the early 90s. With River.

Why are you so surprised my name is the only name on the Day the Earth Stood Still poster??? So what if Jennifer Connelly's won an award? SO WHAT? I don't care about that "The Academy" hogwarsh. You think River cared? Nope. So I don't. Also, I dominated the MTV Movie Awards in the 90s. Look it up.

Regards,

Keanu Charles Reeves



P.S. Sorry I got angry.

Flying.

Dear Jessica,

Congrats, homegirl. I don't think I've been engaged before. Or married. I don't remember too far back. Pretty much two years is it. People just kind of remind me of things I did.

I should probably tell you right now that I'm not going to be at your wedding. You sent me something with a date and address and stuff, but I think I just lost it when Parker Posey and I were under a table in a diner making out. She said she needed me to be weirder or on crack or something. So I just chugged a lot of maple syrup and did that.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the rules-your-soul soundtrack of The Replacements. Dude. How could you not rock out to those classics??? Maybe you shouldn't be playing poker while it's on tv. It's a movie you should really pay attention to. Honestly.

That's all the pre-marriage advice I have for you. Tell Jesse killer job, bro.

Regards,

Keanu

One Step Away.

Dear Jessica,

I know you want the four uno uno on Parker Posey and I. I don't think I should tell you, bro. Like, if we're broken up now here a couple years in the future or still together - again, info I can't let you know. But I can tell you that she has a very nice bottom. Oh, and she says lots of words that I don't get, but it's kinda cute. We were set up together on a blind date, and when she saw me sitting there with a single rose, I think she said, "Are you serious?" - but then she laughed cuz it was a funny joke!!! Right?

N-E-WAY, that's all I have to say about that.

Regards,

Keanu

PS I finally got emails down, how do you use google?

Comedy Factory.

Dear Jessica,

Thank you for your suggestion about recording audiobooks. I looked into it here in the ol' future and yes, they still make them. I'd heard of them a while ago when people told me I should look into them since I used to have trouble reading. But it totally makes sense for me to get into book narration. Good idea, dude.

My favorite book? Def the Bill & Ted script. I totally knew that was going to make my career. And now look at me, writing to you from the future because I'm that COOL.

All started as Bill. Or was I Ted? Whatever.

No, I can't tell you who wins the election in 2008. I don't really remember there being an election...are you sure there was one that year?

Regards,

Keanu

Letting Go.

Dear Jessica,

This letter was meant to get to you by December 31, 2007. However, I was riding the waves and forgot to put it in your special box. I mean, our special mailbox. Anyway, in case you were wondering, the ocean is still pretty sweet in the future.

You will have a good 2008. Don't worry. I KNOW. You're still alive. I can't tell you about 2012 yet, though.

Give my best to Erica. Tell her me in Blu Ray is phenomenal. I KNOW.

Regards,

Keanu


Post-script: In 2008, I starred in a movie called "The Day the Earth Stood Still," which is supposedly a remake, but dude, but I didn't know then. Just found that out today. You should see it. Thanks.

Night Heat.

Dear Jessica,

As I write to you from two years in the future, you should know that neither you nor Erica become millionaires when you turn twenty-five.

But you have an awesome life with a lot of cats, dude.

Regards,

Keanu