Dear Jessica,
Congrats, homegirl. I don't think I've been engaged before. Or married. I don't remember too far back. Pretty much two years is it. People just kind of remind me of things I did.
I should probably tell you right now that I'm not going to be at your wedding. You sent me something with a date and address and stuff, but I think I just lost it when Parker Posey and I were under a table in a diner making out. She said she needed me to be weirder or on crack or something. So I just chugged a lot of maple syrup and did that.
I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the rules-your-soul soundtrack of The Replacements. Dude. How could you not rock out to those classics??? Maybe you shouldn't be playing poker while it's on tv. It's a movie you should really pay attention to. Honestly.
That's all the pre-marriage advice I have for you. Tell Jesse killer job, bro.
Regards,
Keanu
